The Quiet Ones

"Her look and manners were open, cheerful, and engaging as ever, but without any symptom of peculiar regard; and I remained convinced, from the evening's scrutiny, that though she received his attentions with pleasure, she did not invite them by any participation of sentiment. . . . I shall not scruple to assert, that the serenity of your sister's countenance and air was such as might have given the most acute observer a conviction that, however amiable her temper, her heart was not likely to be easily touched."

Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I recently had the opportunity to share some insights with a friend who was trying to express interest in a very quiet girl. As he expressed great surprise at these insights, I shall now share them with you all in the hopes that they will help someone else, as well.

1. Just because she is listening to you with a neutral expression does not mean she's not interested in you. A quiet girl isn't going to wear her heart on her sleeve. As she is getting to know you and gets more comfortable around you she will become more likely to speak and display emotion. Until she is comfortable with you, however, even (or perhaps especially) if she returns your interest, she will play her cards close, trying to determine whether or not she can trust you. She considers her emotions a very personal thing and does not wish to display them to those she does not know well.


2. One-on-one conversation may not be the best way to get to know her. Many of the Quiet Ones get highly nervous when they have to hold up a whole half of a conversation. Try to hang around her when she has other friends around, and enter into whatever conversation they have going. Don't think of this as getting to know her friends as a sneaky way to get to her--think of it as letting the pressure off her!


3. Don't worry about drawing her out--feel free to do most of the talking! Again, having to do a lot of the talking is very stressful. We would much prefer you to do most of the talking and ask the occasional question, rather than doing the standard "good conversationalist" thing of asking lots of questions and making us talk about ourselves and our own interests. This also helps her begin to get to know you well enough to feel comfortable around you.


4. Just because she is quieter around you than around her close friends does not mean she wants you to go away. When we are around people we've known for a while, we tend to be more comfortable and let loose more--sometimes a lot more! If she seems to shut down some when you enter the conversation, it's not necessarily because she is annoyed by your presence. There's a good chance it's just because she doesn't know you well enough yet.


5. Be very observant. If it sounds like it's hard to tell if a Quiet One is interested in you, that's because it often is. Sorry. But if you are very observant, you may be able to tell. Unfortunately, our version of shameless flirting is akin to most girls' just-barely-being-friendly. But if there's any difference between the way she treats you and the way she treats most of the other guys, she may be telling you she returns your interest!


6. Man up. If you're really interested in this girl, just tell her. Anything worth having is worth taking a little risk for. Try to give her a little time to formulate her thoughts before she answers you--many Quiet Ones prefer to have a little time to think before speaking on important topics, and we have difficulty speaking about such things on the fly!

Are there any other Quiet Ones out there with insights to add? Or gentlemen interested in Quiet Ones--do you have any questions?