The Quiet Ones

"Her look and manners were open, cheerful, and engaging as ever, but without any symptom of peculiar regard; and I remained convinced, from the evening's scrutiny, that though she received his attentions with pleasure, she did not invite them by any participation of sentiment. . . . I shall not scruple to assert, that the serenity of your sister's countenance and air was such as might have given the most acute observer a conviction that, however amiable her temper, her heart was not likely to be easily touched."

Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I recently had the opportunity to share some insights with a friend who was trying to express interest in a very quiet girl. As he expressed great surprise at these insights, I shall now share them with you all in the hopes that they will help someone else, as well.

1. Just because she is listening to you with a neutral expression does not mean she's not interested in you. A quiet girl isn't going to wear her heart on her sleeve. As she is getting to know you and gets more comfortable around you she will become more likely to speak and display emotion. Until she is comfortable with you, however, even (or perhaps especially) if she returns your interest, she will play her cards close, trying to determine whether or not she can trust you. She considers her emotions a very personal thing and does not wish to display them to those she does not know well.


2. One-on-one conversation may not be the best way to get to know her. Many of the Quiet Ones get highly nervous when they have to hold up a whole half of a conversation. Try to hang around her when she has other friends around, and enter into whatever conversation they have going. Don't think of this as getting to know her friends as a sneaky way to get to her--think of it as letting the pressure off her!


3. Don't worry about drawing her out--feel free to do most of the talking! Again, having to do a lot of the talking is very stressful. We would much prefer you to do most of the talking and ask the occasional question, rather than doing the standard "good conversationalist" thing of asking lots of questions and making us talk about ourselves and our own interests. This also helps her begin to get to know you well enough to feel comfortable around you.


4. Just because she is quieter around you than around her close friends does not mean she wants you to go away. When we are around people we've known for a while, we tend to be more comfortable and let loose more--sometimes a lot more! If she seems to shut down some when you enter the conversation, it's not necessarily because she is annoyed by your presence. There's a good chance it's just because she doesn't know you well enough yet.


5. Be very observant. If it sounds like it's hard to tell if a Quiet One is interested in you, that's because it often is. Sorry. But if you are very observant, you may be able to tell. Unfortunately, our version of shameless flirting is akin to most girls' just-barely-being-friendly. But if there's any difference between the way she treats you and the way she treats most of the other guys, she may be telling you she returns your interest!


6. Man up. If you're really interested in this girl, just tell her. Anything worth having is worth taking a little risk for. Try to give her a little time to formulate her thoughts before she answers you--many Quiet Ones prefer to have a little time to think before speaking on important topics, and we have difficulty speaking about such things on the fly!

Are there any other Quiet Ones out there with insights to add? Or gentlemen interested in Quiet Ones--do you have any questions?

Quote of the Day: Mansfield Park

I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman's feelings; and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge of.

Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

The Friend Zone

Many gentlemen are terrified of the “Friend Zone” when it comes to their relationships with ladies. They are afraid that if they become friends with a young lady and later decide they would like to pursue a romantic relationship with her, she will balk at the idea of “spoiling a good thing” and insist that the relationship remain at a friendship level. They fear that “once friends, always friends” means “…and nothing else.”

While we are sure there are indeed ladies like this, we would submit to you that many ladies are of an opposite opinion and would actually prefer entering into a romantic relationship with a gentleman they first came to know as a friend. Think about it—while we are open and honest with friends, we are constantly concerned with putting our best foot forward in romantic relationships, at least for the first several months. Friendships begin with honesty and shared interests. Far too often, romances are built on looks and trying to make good impressions. If we are already friends with the gentleman who is courting us, we avoid those awkward months of trying to get to know the real person behind the nice clothes and company manners. We already know if we can trust the gentleman.

We’re not saying young men should befriend ladies in hopes of someday pursuing romantic relationships with them—that misses the point. But we do believe that if someone seems interesting to you as a human being, you should befriend him or her as a human being. You should neither be afraid of friendship because you fear it might preclude romance nor pursue friendship for the sole purpose of advancing your romantic goals.

In the long run, it's all about trust. Who is more likely to be trustworthy--the person who decided you looked pretty, so he should get to know you and get you to fall in love with him, or the person who decided you seemed like an interesting person, so he should get to know you and become your friend?