The Quiet Ones

"Her look and manners were open, cheerful, and engaging as ever, but without any symptom of peculiar regard; and I remained convinced, from the evening's scrutiny, that though she received his attentions with pleasure, she did not invite them by any participation of sentiment. . . . I shall not scruple to assert, that the serenity of your sister's countenance and air was such as might have given the most acute observer a conviction that, however amiable her temper, her heart was not likely to be easily touched."

Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

I recently had the opportunity to share some insights with a friend who was trying to express interest in a very quiet girl. As he expressed great surprise at these insights, I shall now share them with you all in the hopes that they will help someone else, as well.

1. Just because she is listening to you with a neutral expression does not mean she's not interested in you. A quiet girl isn't going to wear her heart on her sleeve. As she is getting to know you and gets more comfortable around you she will become more likely to speak and display emotion. Until she is comfortable with you, however, even (or perhaps especially) if she returns your interest, she will play her cards close, trying to determine whether or not she can trust you. She considers her emotions a very personal thing and does not wish to display them to those she does not know well.


2. One-on-one conversation may not be the best way to get to know her. Many of the Quiet Ones get highly nervous when they have to hold up a whole half of a conversation. Try to hang around her when she has other friends around, and enter into whatever conversation they have going. Don't think of this as getting to know her friends as a sneaky way to get to her--think of it as letting the pressure off her!


3. Don't worry about drawing her out--feel free to do most of the talking! Again, having to do a lot of the talking is very stressful. We would much prefer you to do most of the talking and ask the occasional question, rather than doing the standard "good conversationalist" thing of asking lots of questions and making us talk about ourselves and our own interests. This also helps her begin to get to know you well enough to feel comfortable around you.


4. Just because she is quieter around you than around her close friends does not mean she wants you to go away. When we are around people we've known for a while, we tend to be more comfortable and let loose more--sometimes a lot more! If she seems to shut down some when you enter the conversation, it's not necessarily because she is annoyed by your presence. There's a good chance it's just because she doesn't know you well enough yet.


5. Be very observant. If it sounds like it's hard to tell if a Quiet One is interested in you, that's because it often is. Sorry. But if you are very observant, you may be able to tell. Unfortunately, our version of shameless flirting is akin to most girls' just-barely-being-friendly. But if there's any difference between the way she treats you and the way she treats most of the other guys, she may be telling you she returns your interest!


6. Man up. If you're really interested in this girl, just tell her. Anything worth having is worth taking a little risk for. Try to give her a little time to formulate her thoughts before she answers you--many Quiet Ones prefer to have a little time to think before speaking on important topics, and we have difficulty speaking about such things on the fly!

Are there any other Quiet Ones out there with insights to add? Or gentlemen interested in Quiet Ones--do you have any questions?

Quote of the Day: Mansfield Park

I cannot think well of a man who sports with any woman's feelings; and there may often be a great deal more suffered than a stander-by can judge of.

Jane Austen, Mansfield Park

The Friend Zone

Many gentlemen are terrified of the “Friend Zone” when it comes to their relationships with ladies. They are afraid that if they become friends with a young lady and later decide they would like to pursue a romantic relationship with her, she will balk at the idea of “spoiling a good thing” and insist that the relationship remain at a friendship level. They fear that “once friends, always friends” means “…and nothing else.”

While we are sure there are indeed ladies like this, we would submit to you that many ladies are of an opposite opinion and would actually prefer entering into a romantic relationship with a gentleman they first came to know as a friend. Think about it—while we are open and honest with friends, we are constantly concerned with putting our best foot forward in romantic relationships, at least for the first several months. Friendships begin with honesty and shared interests. Far too often, romances are built on looks and trying to make good impressions. If we are already friends with the gentleman who is courting us, we avoid those awkward months of trying to get to know the real person behind the nice clothes and company manners. We already know if we can trust the gentleman.

We’re not saying young men should befriend ladies in hopes of someday pursuing romantic relationships with them—that misses the point. But we do believe that if someone seems interesting to you as a human being, you should befriend him or her as a human being. You should neither be afraid of friendship because you fear it might preclude romance nor pursue friendship for the sole purpose of advancing your romantic goals.

In the long run, it's all about trust. Who is more likely to be trustworthy--the person who decided you looked pretty, so he should get to know you and get you to fall in love with him, or the person who decided you seemed like an interesting person, so he should get to know you and become your friend?

What a girl Wants vs. What a girl Needs

This is where I find myself time and again. Torn between what I want and what I need.
Throughout my courting career I have liked Many, Many, Men. As any of my close (and not so close) Girlfriends will tell you, I seem to emulate Jane Austen's Line "(My Love) Life seems but a quick succession of busy nothings".
This, I find, is both fun and frustrating. To my little circle of Girlfriends, I seem fickle. To the ones who know me well, I am just trying to find My Mr. Darcy. 


My process is as follows:
Girl meets Boy.
Boy shows slight interest in girl (he could just be very friendly)
Girl has long chats with Girlfriends about what to do and how to act
Boy asks Girl to do something in a group
Girl gets overly excited
Girl and Boy attend function (not together, but sort of)
Girl chats with Girlfriends more
Girl chats with Boy on Facebook or otherwise
Girl chats with Girlfriends more
Girl tells Parents about Boy
Girl finds something wrong with Boy
Girl decides to move on and not get her heart broken by Boy
Girl and Boy are still friends
Boy is oblivious to all of this


...And that is how it goes.
The part that always messes me up, and seems to keep men coming and going in my life, is "Girl Finds Something Wrong With Boy".
And by this I mean, either through his conduct or conversation I find his missing piece. The one thing that is on my "List" that I want/need.
And that is where I get confused.
There are several things that are important to me. 
That he love God and actively seek him, Know how to manage finances, and have similar values about family.


Where I keep running into problems is I find that a guys is too immature, not "religious" enough, doesn't have the similar values, no initial "spark" between us, etc. It seems to me that I always find a guy that is All of these things but One. He is missing one piece and I am afraid to go for it. So I quit. I resign to the fact that he isn't worth my effort and the heartbreak I would inevitably suffer, so I decide to move on. 


But there are a few times where I have not acted as such. Where one guy, who is missing an important piece, catches my eye. And no matter what I do, I can't shake him. 
For example, I liked one of these 999 piece guys. Then another guy came into my life at the same time I had decided to give up said 999 piece guy. Turns out they were both 999 piece guys, but for different reasons. The first one was falling short in the spiritual department. The second one fell short in the "spark" department. I was torn between what I wanted (guy #1) and what I needed (guy #2).


So what did I do?
I'll let you know........

Why You're Still Single, in a Nutshell

I’ve noticed a common theme among men on dating sites: they are looking for someone who is intelligent, independent, and funny. That’s great because I happen to be an intelligent, funny, and (depending on your definition) independent woman; yet, I am still single. Assuming, of course, that I’m not an ogre, there must be an explanation.


I believe that although many men will say this is the woman they are seeking, they will actually be very turned off by this type of woman, leaving everyone scratching their heads in confusion and still single. Why is this?


I have a few theories:
1. Men are driven by their egos. Ego is the core of how a man views himself in relation to the world. If the ego is stroked, the guy is content with his status. If a man perceives a threat to his ego (for example: the woman is potentially smarter), he will no longer be interested in that woman. He does this to secure his higher status (albeit antiquated in thought). This leads the man to ignore a potentially compatible mate without ever getting to know her and, more importantly, never actually determining if she is indeed smarter or if he just perceived her as such! What a shame! They could have had hours of intellectual conversations!


2. Men want to feel needed, financially and emotionally. They really want to provide for a woman (See #1). It helps them secure their status and position in a relationship. If the man perceives that a woman “brings home the bacon”, he will no longer want to take care of this woman. He will perceive that she does not need a man. Sadly, he will be mistaken because even a woman of financial means needs a man to take care of her. She might not be completely dependent on him, financially speaking, but she will love him and appreciate his tokens of affection. These gestures make her feel like a woman. Yes…it’s true! It’s less about the need and more about the gesture of caring that opens a woman’s heart!


3. Men don’t want to be the butt of anyone’s joke (See #1). If a woman tells a few jokes, she is attractive to the man. If she tells too many jokes, especially at someone else’s expense, he will be wondering if she is making fun of him when he is not around. He might even begin to “read into” her jokes and believe she is actually laughing at him, instead of with him. For this one, I can only say the man could be insecure or he could be very perceptive. Women do have a tendency to make light of things that really, in fact, annoy them. So listen carefully, men, to those little pricks and prods. She might actually be making fun of you!


So, this is my advice to all of the single guys looking for a smart, financially secure woman. Give a girl a chance and ask her out on a date. While she might, in fact, be a genius and a millionaire, she is also, first and foremost, a woman who truly wants to be known and loved by a man. She wants your attention, your affection, your tokens, and your heart. Afterall, if she said, “Yes” to a date, then you’ve already proven yourself worthy and there’s no need to let your insecurities stand in the way any longer!

An Open Letter

An open letter to gentlemen search of a true lady

From women who are worth the trouble to find

As we have watched interactions between the ladies and gentlemen of our acquaintance, we have noticed something: ladies often can’t tell the difference between a gentleman pursuing them in view of a relationship and a gentleman simply being friendly or flirty. It seems like such a simple thing on paper. Step 1—gentleman finds a lady he’s interested in pursuing. Step 2—he commences the pursuit. Step 3—the lady expresses her approval or disapproval of the pursuit. In practice, however, it becomes much more complicated. It seems that steps 1 and 2 often get mixed up, resulting in a young gentleman beginning to pursue every young lady he finds the least bit interesting, all at once. When the ladies feel they are being pursued, they react accordingly, only to be told there is no real interest on the gentleman’s part. This results in the ladies beginning to consider him more of a cad than a true gentleman.

Why is this consideration a problem? Once the reputation of a cad begins to spread, very few of the ladies worth having will be interested in being pursued by the gentleman in question. They will assume that the behavior patterns that have held in his relations with the other ladies of their acquaintance will hold in his relations with them.

Here, then, in the interest of intergender relations, are some suggestions from the ladies.

DO:
*Speak to ladies
*Dance with ladies
*Walk ladies to their carriages
*Hug ladies hello/goodbye
*Ask if ladies will be at _______ event
*Call/text/facebook
*Hold doors open
*Sit with or ladies at social gatherings

DON’T:
*Spend most of the time speaking to one lady, especially several nights in a row
*Ask one lady to dance far more than others
*Walk just one lady to her carriage several times consecutively
*Hug just one lady hello/goodbye
*Act specially concerned about just one lady’s presence or absence at _____ event
*Call/text/facebook daily
*Hold doors just for specific ladies
*Always take care to sit beside the same lady

Are you getting the idea? The key to your success is in treating all the ladies with the same respect. We know you’re not going to treat everyone exactly identically. There will be some people you’re better friends with, some nights they keep playing your favorite dance to do with Miss X, nights when you’re not feeling like talking to lots of people, and so forth. But when we see you consistently favoring Miss X over everyone else, both the ladies in general and Miss X in particular will think you’re interested in pursuing more than just friendship with her.

We’re sure you find drama-free social interactions to be far more pleasant than the dramatic sort. Therefore, tempting though it may be to bait many fish hooks and troll the waters, waiting to see who you can interest with your masculine charms, our advice is DON’T. You see, most ladies are smarter than the average fish (at least, the good ones are), and we talk—even the quietest among us. We will soon figure out that you’re trolling (or using the serial individual pursuit form known as “flavor of the month”) and we will treat you accordingly. We’ll put you on our list of people who are fun to talk with, or even hang out with occasionally; but in the category of “eligibility,” you will be marked “player.”

Hey, it’s up to you. It may take some self control. But the women worth having are looking for men worth having. Will you choose to be one?